Emotional Intelligence: A Guide for Software Engineers
As a computer science student, I have heard of stereotypes that said, “Software engineers are introverts that lack consideration for others” a lot. The most extreme is the idea that we can not even talk properly to people. Well, I am sorry? :(
We are often associated with people who code in isolation. I do not know in the past, but that is not the case nowadays. In the previous article, we talked about how empathy allows us to develop something on behalf of our users. But it is way more than that. Empathy is just a part of emotional intelligence. So in this article, I will talk about emotional intelligence in a way that software engineers can practice it in their daily routine.
Disclaimer: No one is perfect, and that also includes me. I am not a psychologist either. I am still learning so do not expect this guide to be 100% accurate. With the experience and knowledge I have right now, I hope this guide may open your eyes and interest you to learn emotional intelligence.
What is Emotional Intelligence?
According to Goleman in the Everyday Emotional Intelligence book, there are five emotional intelligence components.
1. Self-awareness
A person with high self-awareness means they know their strengths, weaknesses, values, and impact on others. It also includes the ability to identify their emotional states, positive or negative ones. It is crucial to keep in mind that being kind to others begins with being kind to ourselves. Remember that we are not perfect. We might competent at some things and not so skilled at others. As stated in psychologytoday.com, high self-awareness leads to high self-confidence :)
2. Self-regulation
Self-regulation is the ability to control our disruptive emotions, impulses, and actions towards them. Many people try to power through their negative feelings rather than attempting to understand them. They forget that emotions, even negative ones, provide valuable information about the state of your motivational system. Self-regulation can also help you survive and recover from even the most brutal experiences. Instead of slipping into denial, you train yourself in ways that enable you to endure.
3. Motivation
Being motivated leads to being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement. Self-motivation is when we do something beyond recognition or financial gain. Alan Mallory writes an example when someone is initially motivated simply for recognition, it would not last long. There has to be a deeper meaning and a commitment to yourself and others on your journey to make it all worthwhile.
4. Empathy
From the previous article, we have talked about the three types of empathy that sum up The Empathy Triad. The first is Cognitive Empathy, the ability to understand other’s perspectives. Next is Emotional Empathy, the ability to feel what someone else feels. Last but not least is Empathic Concern, the ability to sense what another person needs from us. Why is empathy important? One benefit that might interest software engineers the most is that empathy can lower stress. You can read the reason why in this article.
5. Social skill
Goleman writes that social skill is how we manage relationships to move people in desired directions. As reported by SkillsYouNeed.com, social skills are considered the final piece of emotional intelligence. The same website listed the social skill covers a wide range of skills, including persuasion and influencing skills, communication skills, and collaboration and cooperation skills. Can you make new friends with emotional intelligence? Absolutely! In addition, emotional intelligence leads to stronger and healthier relationships, yay!
“Emotional intelligence starts with understanding your own emotions (self-awareness), then being able to manage them (self-regulation) and use them to achieve your goals (self-motivation). Once you are able to understand and manage yourself, then you start to understand the emotions and feelings of others (empathy) and finally to influence them (social skills).”
(skillsyouneed.com)
After reading all of that, are you still doubting the importance of emotional intelligence? Or you might think, how the EI components are beneficial for ourselves?
If you do, I suggest you read them one more time because I believe I have already written down many benefits of emotional intelligence components. If it is not enough, here is another benefit:
You may have heard of the Intelligence Quotient (IQ) that assesses human intelligence. But have you ever heard of Emotional Quotient (EQ)? It is closely related to Emotional Intelligence. As stated in The Institute for Health and Human Potential, Daniel Goleman cites the Harvard Business School research that determined that EQ counts for twice as much as IQ and technical skills combined in determining who will be successful! :D
A Guide for Software Engineers
Because my PPL team (my team for the Software Project college course) use Scrum methodology, I will be more focused on that, but I believe you can adjust this guide to your liking! :)
- If your team uses Scrum methodology, I suggest you read my article about how Agile can be fragile. Do you know that by making Agile implementations more human-centered a.k.a team-members-centered, you can reduce that fragility? :D
Self-compassion
- Self-compassion will increase your emotional intelligence a lot, especially self-awareness and self-regulation. Ask ourselves, “What is going on in the present moment?”
- If we are struggling, admit it. Even the most sociable extroverts sometimes need a moment to sit alone and breathe. Remind ourselves that our emotions are normal, natural, and that is what makes us human.
- After that, try to focus on every little pleasure. Starting with a simple act of self-kindness, such as buying our favorite boba tea as a self-reward after finishing a task. Also, do not forget that we are not alone :)
Practice emotional intelligence in teamwork
- In Scrum, we are familiar with Sprint Retrospective. It is usually a meeting consisting of all team members and the Scrum Master to discuss what did not go well in the latest sprint and improvements for the next sprint. To make it more human-centered, try not only to talk about the progress and tasks but also the people. Ask how everyone is doing, the issues, and address the emotions that surround them. Try to be open and tell your teammates the importance of openness in the team. Also, it is important to state your acceptance of every team member’s emotions.
- If you suggest some improvements for the team, do not just declare your suggestions are correct and must be implemented. Ask everyone whether they agree or not.
- Not only Sprint Retrospective, but you can also practice emotional intelligence in Sprint Planning or Daily Standup Meetings too. Daniel Goleman also defines empathy as “Considering others’ feelings when making decisions”, so encourage all members to share their perspectives before making decisions.
- I also recommend engaging team members in a casual conversation. It shows that you are genuinely interested in making lasting friendships with them, not just for the sake of finishing the group tasks.
- Do not forget to show appreciation and respect! Just like we should reward ourselves for every small but significant step, be thankful for your team’s progress and let them know that they are valued. Without question, the team will work better when they are praised and appreciated.
Encountering emotional outbursts in your team
- I introduce you to Empathic Listening! Empathetic listening is when you listen to focus entirely on what the person is saying, not thinking about how you will respond.
- Avoid projection, which is when we attribute our thoughts and feelings to someone who does not have those thoughts and feelings. Comparisons are annoying :(
- Ask them if they need suggestions or just want to be listened to. Sometimes people do not need a piece of advice or judgment, they just want someone to listen to them. So respect it when someone does not want to talk about what is going on but provide them emotional support if they need it. Say something like, “I want you to know I’m here for you if there is anything I can do”
- Pro tip: Do not ever minimize other’s concerns!
- Sadly, for software engineers, we were trained to think practically and systematically to solve problems. For example, when someone was crying, you assumed they must be sad. Humans are not like that. They might be angry, tired, sad, or overwhelmed, or all of it at the same time. So instead of forcing our thoughts, try to be understanding. Instead of “You must feel _____ ”, try “I’m sorry, what is that like for you?”
An important thing to remember (please do not skip this!)
- You may not find this in any Emotional Intelligence book, but I learned it painfully myself. The first time I was exposed to empathy and emotional intelligence things, I was thrilled. I enthusiastically tried to reach out to my friends, asking how they were feeling, poured them with positivity, encouragement, and all of those things. I was beyond happy whenever my friends told me my words are meaningful and made their day.
- But when I was in my bad times, I was mad. At that time, I thought that my friends or my family would not offer enough help. I told myself, “Nobody cares about me. What is the point I have been trying hard to be there for them, but they cannot do the same for me?”
- This is where I was wrong. I was not sincere.
- Remember the definition of Motivation at the beginning of this article? It is the same for being kind and empathetic. My story earlier is an example of being kind just for the sake of recognition from other people. Do not be like that.
- What I am learning to do now is focus on what I can control and remind myself that I am a kind person. I am kind to people not because of how I expect people will respond but because I want to. I am happy every time I see my family and friends happy. They do not have to be happy because of me, my words, or my actions. I am genuinely happy for them. I still poured them with the same positivity and motivations like I used to but with a different motive.
If we want to be someone people trust and reach out to, we need to trust ourselves. That does not mean being perfect it simply means being who we are.
“I don’t know how” ==> “My kindness is credential”
“I don’t know what to say” ==> “Listening speaks volumes”
“I don’t have the bandwidth => “Small gestures make a big difference”(Kelsey Crowe in There Is No Good Card for This book)
Okay, that is all. Sorry for any mistakes, super open to any feedback (including grammar! hehe). Like I said at the beginning of this article that no one is perfect. The most important thing is to know that emotional intelligence can be learned. Thoughts like “I could never be good at this, so why to bother?” are the main issue. As stated in the HBR Guide to Emotional Intelligence book, it is not the lack of ability to change but the lack of motivation to change.
Giving regards to all who never stop trying to become a better person, have a nice day! :)
References
Carnegie, D. (1982). How To Win Friends And Influence People. Adfo Books.
Crowe, K., & McDowell, E. (2017). There Is No Good Card for This: What To Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love. HarperOne.
Goleman, D., Boyatzis, R. E., McKee, A., & Finkelstein, S. (2017). Harvard Business Review Everyday Emotional Intelligence: Big Ideas and Practical Advice on How to Be Human at Work. Harvard Business Review Press.
